A Treatise on a Debt Bailout

Dear US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson:

Your efforts to relieve the debts of some of this country's greatest financial institutions are truly admirable. Seven-hundred billion dollars is an enormous burden for any group of people, much less one brave individual, to distribute for the sake of our great countries economic supremacy. Clearly, you are dedicated to all that is good in the realm of finances and prosperity, a true enemy of debt.

Many lesser patriots choose to scorn you for this Nobel-Peace-Prize-worthy plan to bailout our struggling financial roll models with one fell-swoop. But, I, for one, applaud your endeavor to help the good people who tirelessly and selflessly manage our money, supply us with loans or insurance when we need it, and employ so many hard working MBA's across the land. These people, these saints of the financial sector deserve to have their debts washed away in the blink of an eye. And, who better to provide a resolution of such biblical proportions than the United States Treasury? So, thank you, Henry Paulson.

Now, since the bailout bill has yet to be passed, I wonder if you would entertain an additional request: My own family (one wife, two adorable little boys, and a mother-in-law) could really use a little of that bailout fund for our own personal debt. While the corporate entities in need of your assistance require millions of American dollars in assistance from you, my humble family would only need about $10,000 to cover our credit card debts. If you have enough, we could use another $20,000 to pay off our cars and student loans. If you're feeling really generous, which I know you are; so let me rephrase that: If your bailout budget allows, we'd really love another $150,000 to pay off our mortgage. So, minimum request: $10,000. Maximum, if you can get the numbers to work: $180,000.

As you know, figuring my personal debt into the soon-to-be-passed testament to your genius will certainly help improve the economy. Without bad debts to worry us, my family will have more funds to buy stuff from retail facilities. We'll be able to sell our small home and buy the slightly bigger one with a large yard that we know we need. We'll have less stress at the end of the day, because our bills will not be so oppressive. And, as everyone knows, a family under less stress is the very picture of American ideals. Imagine what you'll be preserving with just $180,000, a mere fraction of that seven-hundred billion dollars you're preparing to manage.

I know, in all your innate goodness, you'll want to to bail out my family with these funds. You're probably writing the check right now. But, of course, your detractors will probably have something to say about it. Just remind them that we're faithful taxpayers, too. Thanks for your time, attention, and overall dedication to reducing debt across the land Mr. Paulson. Have a great week!

Sincerely In Debt,
Ed Ness